Perfectly Human

What stood out the most was an old daily planner from when I was young and living in my car. I went through it, took in the memories, then recycled it.

I was expecting to find pain and misery in there. I found love, trust, compassion, and yes… my first real heartbreak. That heartbreak has been a guiding force to me for a very long time. Not, because someone broke my heart. No… I’d already felt that before.

I was a walking, spaced-out, wound who barely talked. Homeless, without anywhere to go, nothing to eat, aimless… I ended up meeting someone, who… for some strange reason looked out for me. I never knew much about him, other than… when he ate, I ate. When he had shelter, I did too.

Looking back, I smile because… well Christ, try explaining as a homeless man, to every “housed” woman you tried to date, why you are a “packaged deal” with a lost zombie college girl (who was too emotionally scarred to verbalize words.)

For the first time in my life, I had felt true trust for another human. It was short lived. My first heartbreak arrived in the form of a spider. She wrapped the kindest man I’d ever known up in her web and devoured him whole. Before he disappeared entirely, he managed to still make arrangements to keep me safe.

Up to that point, I’d had already lost most of my faith in women and only trusted men. But, when that happened… I made some unconscious vow to help men who were tangled in webs, not of their own design. Years down the road, I had a male black-widow tattooed on my neck… so I’d never forget.

I laugh now, because I kept paying this person’s kindness towards me, forward. I’ve helped male friends who completely DESTROYED my relationships. Now, I clearly see what a pain in the ass I was. Oh, goodness.

Prayers that guy’s still alive, happy, and doing well in life. He deserves many blessings! If I hadn’t met him, I probably wouldn’t be alive.