One of the most difficult realizations since the divorce turned out to be the most liberating. I needed to think in terms of only my children and me, and not include a father figure in my “life planning.” This was so painful to REALLY embrace, and I couldn’t figure out why. After several months, it dawned on me that I’ve lived with men for a long time. During those years, I put myself last. There was always a “we” to the “me” in the equation. Now it’s just me and my kids. I sat with that far too long, but with it realized… the need to make lifestyle changes to better support “my” family and “myself.”
With small steps, I slowly stabilized my crumbling foundation. In late summer – early fall, I started thinking of short and long-term goals. I looked over many handwritten past year’s goals that I’d set each December/January. I always had “to be a loving and supportive girlfriend/fiancé/spouse” as one of them. That’s when it really hurt and still does when I type this. That goal died this year, but it was freeing.
Replacing the old goal left my whole life open for me to fill with my own goals, not someone else’s. Every year previously, I had educational, health, and safety goals for myself and my children. But the ‘good spouse” goal took up all of what makes me, me. Today, I am in no rush to date and will never put that goal back on my list. If I ever do date again, they have to get to know me well in advance. They must accept all my quirky weirdness in all its disastrous and clumsy splendor, or it’s not worth the risk.
Perfectly Human 