Perfectly Human

Nobody really tells you how difficult divorce is to go through. Honestly, I expected it to be like a normal break-up… it wasn’t. It is more comparable to cutting yourself into a million pieces and having others decide what was left of yourself. It’s disorienting, confusing, and stressful.

It took years to get up enough courage to express to my ex-husband that we weren’t right for each other. In those years, I debated with myself. I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t trying hard enough. Sometimes I thought and expressed that maybe it wasn’t just me; maybe it was him also not trying. By the end, things became clearer and clearer that improvements on either side wouldn’t make the relationship last. I thought I was destined to be miserable and still question that thought regularly.

Prior to the divorce, I thought I had direction, purpose, and a spirit unified with the direction. Post-divorce confusion slowly evaporated like fog in the morning sun. But… the sun wasn’t strong enough to reach the ground on which my feet stood, nor to illuminate the paths ahead. When the ground thawed and water flowed, my feet became too heavy to trek; they were caked in sediment. So, I had to stay long enough to let them dry; it was then I realized…

I’ve been lost!

Not lost since the divorce, but lost since I left California. In that realization, clarity became loud and so bright I was terrified to look into the light. What I saw wasn’t scary; it was illuminating and joyous. Tears of remembrance flowed steady until they became intermittent rain, even as I type this… my page meets an unexpected shower. I remember.

I remember who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I am now. I’ve carried the weight of all my darkness to DROWN my own light. I buried myself in my own mess and had to sift through my destructive nature… Only to discover that it wasn’t much different than every other human. My darkness was always directed at myself and not others… but all wars result in unexpected tragedy when others get harmed in the crossfire. That was never my intention, yet it was a result of my efforts to wage war against myself.

Today, sight is clearer. A destination was illuminated, as was a pathway. My feet freely move upon the ground. I haven’t been able to get my wings to fly. However, they’ll suffice as shelter for my children as we quickly move forward, away from this desolate valley… too far from home.

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